Bottles full of new personalities.
Which one is real.
All of them.
Whichever one can talk.
I can’t talk.
I’ll try another.
When you start some nonsensical personal blog you never think about how it could hurt someone you used to love–or still do.
It can make it hard to speak, to draw.
When hurting them hurts you.
That’s never what I wanted.
I just want to keep creating anything until I find some way forward.
To keep running into the fog until I hit something.
To dive into the deep end of a cold pool and go numb.
And I know I have to keep going, or maybe I just want to.
But I hope they’re okay.
I could explain myself, but what a chore. Complicated answers, amateur translator, no winners.
I just don’t have time. There’s so much I want to do, see, make, learn, think. Save your questions for my funeral, there’s no later for me.
I don’t care why the carpet flies, or whether it’s really the safest or most pragmatic option. I’m going now.
Are you on or off?
Don’t have $413.99 plus tax an hour to spend on a licensed professional counselor? Super Nervous Cow is now offering free personal and professional advice online here! (It’s a link)
Could a well founded, sourced, and educated argument be made that you shouldn’t take advice from me? Yes.
What are my qualifications for advising you, academic or otherwise? Nope.
Will you take advice from me anyways? That’s between you and your psychiatrist or therapist.
It goes without saying that I cannot be held responsible for what you do with the advice you are presented. Some advice may be given in the form of poorly drawn pictures, I also cannot be held responsible for how you interpret those pictures. Keep in mind that If my advice in some sick miraculous irony leads to your success in life, you are required by law to send me an emotionless and pragmatic thank you note with your printed signature.
Image note: it’s animated and doesn’t work in some mobile situations. No pictures in motion for all people in motion. Sorry!
I’ll ride fast, until I’m nervous.
Then I’ll ride faster, until I’m scared.
Then faster, until I’m neither.
My bones are already broken.
I’m already broken.
What else do the hills have left.
I approach every day the way I approach a bowl of Lucky Charms: Eat a few spoonfuls and then throw the rest on the floor when you remember it’s sugar coated garbage.
No no… I’m not quite that bitter yet. Let me start over.
I haven’t felt as open as I used to be. Not as willing to let others write in my metaphorical book, if you will. Sometimes you’re just too broken to feel open minded. I won’t apologize for that.
It’s so easy to become bitter when every item, every song has a long red Crime Noir thread tied to old pains. It’s so easy to become paralyzed, trapped in the web.
But It’s just thread, a series of twisted, inaccurate, convoluted ghosts; and I am God. At least insomuch as this is my mind, and my life.
I just have to stand up and remember that the red strings don’t hold my hand back when I draw. They don’t hold my feet back when I’m pushing my skateboard. They don’t block the wind when I run. What strength do they have that I don’t give them, after all.
I’ve realized that I could spend a lifetime running around trying to cut these strings, trying to run from the hurt.
But I can’t, any more that I can stem the tides.
So I won’t.
It’s going to be a little hard to type this, I fractured two of my fingers in a high speed skateboarding accident involving myself (henceforth referred to as the plaintiff) and the ground (henceforth referred to as the defendant) of which you can view the aftermath here. Not to worry, I can still draw. Pending evidence I could draw prior to the accident of course.
The defendant is expected to have a swift recovery from his or her injuries as well. I digress.
I never was a magical thinker. Never believed in the paranormal. I think that always gave everyone the impression that I was a little bit pessimistic. After all the realities of life are a large and unbearably painful fire to stand next to, one that we all have to back away from sometimes. Maybe it’s TV, games, drugs, prescriptions, sugar, attention, consumption, adrenaline, or just old fashioned debauchery and religion. The great unmet dark that we all must fill and carry appears universal, as does our need to escape it. Having recently gone through another difficult breakup, I feel its sharp and familiar pull, but I find comfort in knowing it’s a widely shared pain.
It makes me wonder sometimes if we just weren’t meant to handle all this. What if our stone age bodies are collapsing under the speed and information of it all. What in my evolution–after all–could have prepared me to even begin to grasp all the pain we now know people to be suffering every moment, every where, every day. It’s too easy to lose yourself in the sorrows.
But, I digress again.
The fact is you don’t have to believe in magic to believe in the human spirit. The placebo effect isn’t magic after all. We know to some degree of certainty that if we believe something strongly enough we can alter our very reality for the better.
That’s why I always thought that If you simply refuse to kneel to the pressures. If you just decide that there is a next chapter, if you just know that you won’t stop. Then you sit in the fires of life, but you notice they don’t burn so much. And, if you’re lucky, you might even feel warm.
What else can you do.
Illustration note: I can provide government certified documents validating that I am in fact of legal adult age for a United States citizen.
Maybe I talk too much.
Nah, who cares.
They were wrong about me being a negative person anyways.
I was just curious, that’s all.
The curious and the morbid were always close friends, right?
And I do have friends.
Sometimes I’m sad, but I’m happy I’m sad. I think being able to feel anything makes me one of the lucky ones. Some people can’t feel sad, just empty. Other people have died and can’t feel anything at all. I feel grateful just that I can lift up my eyelids and see things, anything. I know people younger than me who didn’t make it that far today.
I wish I could tell other people how not to be sad, but nobody can. It’s better to listen instead. So that’s what I’m going to do, listen.
Hope you like the fake book cover, like all things it has no purpose.
And hey, I’m moving to Los Angeles at the end of this month! Pretty big deal for a kid from small town Idaho.
What am I some kind of new age yuppie existentialist? Nay, I am a pirate, crucified on the pillars of apathy. A fat pacific tuna, drifting through the waters of a french film noir. An anxious floorboard in Ted Nugent’s abandoned Manhatten loft. An enigma. You think you know me, but you don’t, you never will. You have no idea what I’m saying, or why I accompanied this post with an insultingly out of season ice cream illustration. When you are crying in your car on the way to work tomorrow you remember that feeling. Nothing means anything, and so everything means something.
And if today you let a sink in, make sure it’s not that.
I drew a rabbit. Then I made a rabbit pattern. Then I used it on a book. No politics, no religion, no philosophy, no humor, it’s a rabbit. If you were looking for something that wasn’t a rabbit, I’m sorry to disappoint you. It’s just a rabbit. It’s not even a well drawn rabbit. It’s a rabbit. A rabbit. Rabbit is starting to look weird, It’s sort of a weird word. Rab, bit. RABBIT. RABBITRABBITRABBIT.
Turtle coming Fall 2015.
I wrote a lot of different things here that weren’t related to each other but then I deleted them. No worries though, I feel that the image above from my notebook pretty clearly describes what I was trying to communicate to you.
I also noticed that if I make a typo while writing these posts, rather than clicking back to where the typo is I will just backspace all the way back to the typo, re-write it, and then re-write the rest of the text again. So there’s that.
I hope you found all of this educational.
My dad taught me how to stand up alone. My mom taught me how to love anybody. My oldest friend taught me how to stop and help when other people won’t. My sisters taught me how to forgive. My dogs taught me how to laugh at my own jokes. People along the way taught me how to change. And I taught myself that I can be invincible.
Rich and getting richer…
First, the above illustration isn’t a dig at my parents, grandparents, or even family tree. Most of what I love about myself I get from my family (also probably why I’m crazy). I’ve always been disillusioned with patriotism and tradition though. I like objectivity. Why do anything just because it’s the way that it’s been done? I like change. I want to change always.
Now, America as examined by an alien:
Notes on planet X334:
1. Humans use expensive cut up rocks to pledge love to one another. Most don’t even contain color.
2. Humans made everything faster, yet work more than they used to in some masochistic cycle of death.
3. Humans who move at only 30 times the speed of walking greatly anger the humans moving at 31 times the speed of walking.
4. Humans spend time hiding things in boxes that are then immediately torn open by other humans.
5. They prefer humans who are smaller horizontally, but not vertically.
6. Humans all clear their heads and stare at a large striped cloth to music periodically.
7. Some humans express a moment of silence at dinner, possibly in reverence for all the animal death, plant death, and human slave labor that provided the meal. Most of which will be thrown away.
8. Many humans killing each other for pieces of paper with historical figures printed on them. When these prints aren’t available reading the wrong book will suffice.
9. The ones with colorful striped nooses around their neck seem to receive more respect.
10. They filter water many, many times before defecating in it.
Further observation pending.
Okay here we go:
1. Everyone is just an old kid playing make believe. Especially those kids in suits with briefcases. Their new tree house just has an elevator. Buy a kite, one of the really stupid superhero themed ones.
2. Everything worth loving in life you carry in your mind, if love is inside of you then love is everywhere you go. You can’t possibly lose. Attacking yourself is the greatest war crime.
3. Your retirement fund can’t buy you the last 40 years of your life back. Spend more time at the park doing really stupid stuff. Ducks are cool. Your parents disappointment just means they love you anyways.
4. Someone on their death bed was granted the wish of living as you for today. Every day. They usually wish you’d dance more even though they know it’s cheesy to ask.
5. Never fear death, if you’re dead you can’t have regrets, like “Man I shouldn’t have put that fork in the toaster.”
6. Happiness is acceleration. You can only feel it when it’s increasing or decreasing, but neither can last forever. You’d fly off the planet.
7. Music will do more for you than religion ever will. Fill your house and brain with it. Don’t take life advice from anyone who doesn’t.
8. Quit being in a hurry to reach some goal or destination, life is only ever this exact instant that you’re in, and nothing else, ever. EVER. The past literally does not exist, neither does the future.
9. Everything you’ve ever thought can be completely wrong, including existential lists you posted to WordPress.
10. Always say exactly how you really feel. Rejection is better than fear. You can always go it alone.
11. Your stupid cave man body is going to want to think stupid cave man thoughts. This war of logic vs. impulse will last forever. Try to roll with it rather than taking it head on.
12. If you ever start to lose perspective, go outside and stare at the moon until you feel better.
13. Watch lots of documentaries, read lots of books, or don’t who cares? Birds are weird.
14. Life is also weird.
15. You’re definitely forgetting something.
If you need me call me. I”ll be hanging out with this stupid whale.
Isn’t it crazy that you can sit here and think words. I mean you’re sitting here, and you have a trillion individual dumb cells that work together to provide you with your own personal universe. In this universe you can think things, and then store those things in permanent memory. You can process simulation scenarios to predict outcomes of situations, and place yourself in the shoes of another universe to gather understanding. In our universe different things have meaning, different things are beautiful, different things are sad.
When you die this absolutely unique universe dies with you. Nobody, no matter how well they know you, will ever be able to truly stand inside of it.
Nobody ever told me they liked these things, I just keep making them because I think it’s hilarious. Hey screw you though I’m not selling anything here. Seriously why are you even reading this? Don’t you have something to do? Get out of here you creep. Just kidding don’t leave, can’t you see how unstable I am? I mean look at this blog post.
Always remember kids: puppies obey only the will of Satan. Tell an adult immediately if you believe a puppy is attempting to drain your soul energy for his dark master.
This is a PSA of the World Health Organization.
Stephen Hawking said that man made meaning up, and that it doesn’t really exist. He did stop to appreciate the fact that humans even tried though, and I like to agree. That squirrel running around in your backyard has the same retirement plan we do, so I’ll try to feel as comfortable. Relax, smile or don’t, think good things about people, you know… If your burden gets too heavy maybe I could carry it for a little while. Everyone will have one friend as long as I’m alive anyways.