It was worth it.
It always will be.
Don’t have $413.99 plus tax an hour to spend on a licensed professional counselor? Super Nervous Cow is now offering free personal and professional advice online here! (It’s a link)
Could a well founded, sourced, and educated argument be made that you shouldn’t take advice from me? Yes.
What are my qualifications for advising you, academic or otherwise? Nope.
Will you take advice from me anyways? That’s between you and your psychiatrist or therapist.
It goes without saying that I cannot be held responsible for what you do with the advice you are presented. Some advice may be given in the form of poorly drawn pictures, I also cannot be held responsible for how you interpret those pictures. Keep in mind that If my advice in some sick miraculous irony leads to your success in life, you are required by law to send me an emotionless and pragmatic thank you note with your printed signature.
Image note: it’s animated and doesn’t work in some mobile situations. No pictures in motion for all people in motion. Sorry!
I want to thank everyone who helped me get here! Myself, a fish, a sandwich. Too many to name them all. I have to stop before I cry. Thank you thank you.
I heard these words a long time ago in the movie Treasure Planet and they always stuck with me. I like repeating them to myself whenever I feel judged, embarrassed, anxious, hopeless, whatever. I like remembering my arms still move, words still come out of my mouth, brains still on. Nobody’s taken anything from me and unless they kill me dead they never could. I exist, I’ll keep existing. You can love it, I can love it, you can hate it, I can hate it, doesn’t matter, still here. Still gonna be here. Still enjoying it up, down, sideways, standing still. Still stilling.
Your move universe.
Here’s the link to the song if you’re interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_tth9Yz4jc
If you were watching a movie about your life right now what would you want the main character to do? I never thought the answer to that question had to be particularly grand or larger than life. After all some of my favorite movies don’t have any heroes or explosions. In fact I think the only wrong answer to that question has been nothing. The only wrong thing you could ever do is nothing. I mean if I go out and something horrible happens to me, that’s a pretty interesting story. If I go out and something great happens to me that’s pretty interesting too. The only story I don’t want to watch is one where the main character does nothing. That and Transformers: Age of Extinction. Seriously that movie was horrible.
So to recap: nothing, or anything that happened in Transformers: Age of Extinction.
Now go direct your own movie.
“When you are bombarded with images from all the people you’ve ever known and people you’ll never meet, the sense of your own experience inevitably becomes more diluted.” -Bryan Melmed
Everyone agrees on two things: that a majority of people are stupid, and that they are not one of them. We can as such deduce that a common factor shared among all stupid people is a sincere belief that they are not stupid. I can say I’m smart, but that’s exactly what a stupid person would say. Therefore the only way to prove objectively that I am smart is to believe I am stupid, which is the one thing a stupid person would never do. Unfortunately reaching this conclusion makes me feel smart, which reintroduces the possibility that I may be stupid. I realize now that my only choice it to believe that I may or may not be stupid, and I don’t feel any way about that.
Solved, next question.
My dad taught me how to stand up alone. My mom taught me how to love anybody. My oldest friend taught me how to stop and help when other people won’t. My sisters taught me how to forgive. My dogs taught me how to laugh at my own jokes. People along the way taught me how to change. And I taught myself that I can be invincible.
Rich and getting richer…
First, the above illustration isn’t a dig at my parents, grandparents, or even family tree. Most of what I love about myself I get from my family (also probably why I’m crazy). I’ve always been disillusioned with patriotism and tradition though. I like objectivity. Why do anything just because it’s the way that it’s been done? I like change. I want to change always.
Now, America as examined by an alien:
Notes on planet X334:
1. Humans use expensive cut up rocks to pledge love to one another. Most don’t even contain color.
2. Humans made everything faster, yet work more than they used to in some masochistic cycle of death.
3. Humans who move at only 30 times the speed of walking greatly anger the humans moving at 31 times the speed of walking.
4. Humans spend time hiding things in boxes that are then immediately torn open by other humans.
5. They prefer humans who are smaller horizontally, but not vertically.
6. Humans all clear their heads and stare at a large striped cloth to music periodically.
7. Some humans express a moment of silence at dinner, possibly in reverence for all the animal death, plant death, and human slave labor that provided the meal. Most of which will be thrown away.
8. Many humans killing each other for pieces of paper with historical figures printed on them. When these prints aren’t available reading the wrong book will suffice.
9. The ones with colorful striped nooses around their neck seem to receive more respect.
10. They filter water many, many times before defecating in it.
Further observation pending.
Okay here we go:
1. Everyone is just an old kid playing make believe. Especially those kids in suits with briefcases. Their new tree house just has an elevator. Buy a kite, one of the really stupid superhero themed ones.
2. Everything worth loving in life you carry in your mind, if love is inside of you then love is everywhere you go. You can’t possibly lose. Attacking yourself is the greatest war crime.
3. Your retirement fund can’t buy you the last 40 years of your life back. Spend more time at the park doing really stupid stuff. Ducks are cool. Your parents disappointment just means they love you anyways.
4. Someone on their death bed was granted the wish of living as you for today. Every day. They usually wish you’d dance more even though they know it’s cheesy to ask.
5. Never fear death, if you’re dead you can’t have regrets, like “Man I shouldn’t have put that fork in the toaster.”
6. Happiness is acceleration. You can only feel it when it’s increasing or decreasing, but neither can last forever. You’d fly off the planet.
7. Music will do more for you than religion ever will. Fill your house and brain with it. Don’t take life advice from anyone who doesn’t.
8. Quit being in a hurry to reach some goal or destination, life is only ever this exact instant that you’re in, and nothing else, ever. EVER. The past literally does not exist, neither does the future.
9. Everything you’ve ever thought can be completely wrong, including existential lists you posted to WordPress.
10. Always say exactly how you really feel. Rejection is better than fear. You can always go it alone.
11. Your stupid cave man body is going to want to think stupid cave man thoughts. This war of logic vs. impulse will last forever. Try to roll with it rather than taking it head on.
12. If you ever start to lose perspective, go outside and stare at the moon until you feel better.
13. Watch lots of documentaries, read lots of books, or don’t who cares? Birds are weird.
14. Life is also weird.
15. You’re definitely forgetting something.
If you need me call me. I”ll be hanging out with this stupid whale.
Isn’t it crazy that you can sit here and think words. I mean you’re sitting here, and you have a trillion individual dumb cells that work together to provide you with your own personal universe. In this universe you can think things, and then store those things in permanent memory. You can process simulation scenarios to predict outcomes of situations, and place yourself in the shoes of another universe to gather understanding. In our universe different things have meaning, different things are beautiful, different things are sad.
When you die this absolutely unique universe dies with you. Nobody, no matter how well they know you, will ever be able to truly stand inside of it.
Nobody ever told me they liked these things, I just keep making them because I think it’s hilarious. Hey screw you though I’m not selling anything here. Seriously why are you even reading this? Don’t you have something to do? Get out of here you creep. Just kidding don’t leave, can’t you see how unstable I am? I mean look at this blog post.
Always remember kids: puppies obey only the will of Satan. Tell an adult immediately if you believe a puppy is attempting to drain your soul energy for his dark master.
This is a PSA of the World Health Organization.
Is there any way for you to have what you want when what you want is to have what you don’t? If we can’t all be what we were then were we what we were have? I mean if you don’t have to want what to be for then what is there to become for it to have anyways? It’s just a cycle of whatever you want what to be for and have that we can’t all be anyways. When what’s what is the what you want then the what what will become the what what to be what. Just have what you long for and to be what you’ll need to be for the future any have. Sometimes I think that we are having something to be for of having what we would without, but then I think that this must be the having of whatever this isn’t. Everything that you wanted to go this way what to have for to be what you’d want to what the where’s of to how isn’t the where have to what if and to be anywhere on the plane of existence. This sentence is comprehensible. Turbulence cheers you dig?
Someone wrote a 1700 WORD POST in response to my Brain Pilots post which essentially states that I am a narcissistic leech who needs Christ. 1700 WORDS! In addition to being 100% accurate it’s probably the most glorious thing I’ve ever seen. It means my words have a response power ratio of 1910%. I’m basically Ashton Kutcher now.
AND, just in time for the post about me being a lazy bastard and my new fame I’ve completed my illustration about aiming high. I hope you enjoy it, but if you don’t please submit your thesis on why it sucks by May 30 for review.
Do you feel that? It’s the sound of everyone judging you. Like the low whine of a vacuum cleaner on the wrong floor setting. You can rest easy tonight though denizens. We’re all weirdos with stuff to hide. When your boss does find your anonymous cake blog you probably think he’ll never look at you the same way again, but more likely he’ll just say “Hey, I too enjoy a good cake.”
We’re all defendants in a courtroom with no jury. Being weird is the only state of existence. There’s no judge, just a hologram.
Sure maybe nothing’s ever quite as good as you pictured it in your head, but that’s a good thing. It’s like you’re in the Tour de France and your coach is barking strategies out a car window. You’ll never catch him, guys in a damn car, but at least you have something to chase. That stupid voice you’ll never catch up to might be annoying, but it’s on your team.
Image inspired by Anonymous at Robotic Raven